Inspired by a repeated pattern of behaviour that I have observed of myself all of my adult life, I feel compelled to write about ‘sabotage’. Those of you who have done some work on yourself will be familiar with this terminology in relation to self-destructive behaviour, but for those of you who may be yet to explore it, allow me to offer my understanding of this.
Sabotage is born out of fear and operates so as to prevent having to deal with questions such as ‘I’m not enough’, ‘I won’t be loved’, I don’t deserve it’ or ‘what’s the point – I’ll be rejected/abandoned/fired sooner or later’.
In recovery terms, recovery from drug addiction or alcoholism, it might be that a person sabotages their recovery by continuing to go to places where they are at risk of using and then blaming the places, people or things that ‘made’ them use, rather than facing their role in that outcome.
Sabotage is not about taking responsibility. It seeks to blame other people for an outcome. For example, pushing someone away continually until they have no choice other than to actually go away and then they can be blamed as the person who was the abandoner…. In a kind of ‘see, I told you they would leave/reject me/abandon me’.
As a person who is aware of sabotaging, in particular, potential intimate relationships, I am knowledgeable and aware of this behaviour, a behaviour that I became aware of a very long time ago. But what happens when it becomes more subtle? When knowledge does not equal power? Or worse, when you can actually see yourself in the behaviour but feel powerless to stop it?
We:
- Forgive ourselves…first and foremost
- With that comes compassion
- We then take responsibility
- With that comes repairing any damage
- And when all is said and done, sit safely and quietly in the knowledge that we have just learned a little more about ourselves that will then make the lesson next time shorter until it has been learnt and does not come again!
Self-awareness is an amazing, frustrating, liberating state of mind, body and spirit. The lessons may take longer than we would like and they may get harder and more difficult to manage than we would like. But essentially what choice do we have if we are to become the best that we can be? The personal goal in life has to be that we can become the very best that we can possibly be, so learn, grow and love yourself in the process, as you are and as you can be.
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Lisa is the founder and owner of Lisa Cherry Ltd, an organisation that’s the culmination of all she’s passionate about.
Hi Lisa,
x
Gosh this rings some bells with me!! I sabotaged myself for years – sadly, that self destruct button was always to hand wherever I went and whoever I met.
Learning to stand outside myself for a while and watch what was going on has helped me to see far more clearly what I was up to, and then begin to do something about it. Making a decision that I wanted to be different was a turning point, but it was by no means an easy journey. Breaking long held habits takes time – but IS possible.
For a large part of my adult life I felt uncared for – it’s now that I realise that the first person who should have been caring for me, was ‘me’! Difficult lessons to take notice of when you are in the middle of it all emotionally.
Facing up to your own role in your life takes bravery, and can be emotional, and you need to hold onto that concept of self love – because you need to fogive yourself and understand that from now on, you have the power to make it different. Not judging yourself, not berating or hating yourself, simply accepting what is…then accepting that you can do it differently.
It’s never too late to be the person you are meant to be…cliched, but true
Absolutely….what a journey! And cliched or not, you’re right….it is never to late..
Thanks for stopping by my Passionate Ramblings :0)
Lisa x
Hey lady! Inspiring blog post today! I call those people that refuse to learn this lesson The Perpetual Victims. They blame others always and never are able to see what it is they do to create the situation.
On a happier note, I do hope you’ve begun your new projects
Pop over to the group and let us know how you’re progressing. Yes, I’ve been watching. I don’t forget (sounds like a threat, huh? lol).
WRITE ON!
That struck a chord with me today hun, i do this alot since the attack, i can see myself doing it, hear myself doing it – pushing away and hurting the ones we love and then on one hand being consumed with guilt, and on the other blocking it out and blaming them. Very hard to control, although i’m aware i’m doing it. Hmmmm, toughie x
You’re doing amazingly Karen. Awareness is key and you have that x
This was me, and I now sit and see people close to me doing the same thing. I wish they would wake up and make some changes, but I know that I can’t make that happen. Good post, thank you.
Hi Kathy
Thank you for commenting….we all get to where we need to get too in our own time. Try not to worry x